


Little Pieces He Left Behind

by So_Uncreative



Category: Station 19 (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Drinking to Cope, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Text heavy, Vic is a good friend and makes a quick appearance, but this is Travis/Michael centric, greif, not a happy fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 09:01:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25847011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/So_Uncreative/pseuds/So_Uncreative
Summary: Death is inevitable, it’s the one thing in life that affects everyone regardless of race, gender, sexuality or how much money someone has in their bank account and Travis knows this. He knows that there’s no shortage of people in his life that have had their heartbroken by the loss of someone, hell Vic had lost the man she loved just like he had but his grieving process was his own journey, a journey he’d preferred to undertake privately.
Relationships: Michael/Travis Montgomery, Victoria Hughes & Travis Montgomery
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19





	Little Pieces He Left Behind

**Author's Note:**

> So, I brainstormed for this back in May and finally got around to writing it. I'm so proud of this and I hope ye enjoy it. I definitely think there's more to be explored with Travis and Michael and I'm gonna work on figuring out some ideas for them...until then I give you this...enjoy

The fact that there wasn’t a day that went by that Travis didn’t think of Michael and wish that the other man was still by his side was a secret he kept from the rest of the world. Yes, it had been years since he’d listened to the doctor explain that his husband’s injuries were too sincere before apologizing for his loss and yes, he’d dated a few people since then but it didn’t mean the weight of his grief felt much later than it had that first day. That’s the thing about grief that nobody ever really tells you, that it isn’t something you heal from, it’s a nagging pain in your core that begins to numb over time and just when you think you’re okay again that the pain of your grief is completely numb, it flares up once again like an old injury in cold weather and leaves you winded with bittersweet memories and painful emotions wash over you.

Death is inevitable, it’s the one thing in life that affects everyone regardless of race, gender, sexuality or how much money someone has in their bank account and Travis knows this. He knows that there’s no shortage of people in his life that have had their heartbroken by the loss of someone, hell Vic had lost the man she loved just like he had but his grieving process was his own journey, a journey he’d preferred to undertake privately. He never confided in the other’s when his grief flared up and began to consume every inch of him, instead he’d reach for the bottle as soon as he was in the privacy of his own home.

It wasn’t a healthy coping mechanism; he knew that but if it would ease his pain for a night than he saw no issue in giving into that temptation. As soon as he’d changed into some warm pajamas after arriving home, he poured himself a glass of whiskey and stepped on to his balcony. The cold air pierced his skin and he wrapped the coat he’d grabbed tighter around himself. With the snow dusting his balcony railing and every surrounding surface, he smiled despite how awful he felt, snow would always remind him of Michael and their first kiss. They had spent months dancing around one another, hanging out under the premise of friends despite both of them knowing that something more, something stronger existing between them, their first kiss happened after a disastrous 12-hour shift, Travis had wanted nothing more than to head into home and sleep off the exhaustion he felt until Michael offered to make him a hot chocolate if he’d walk to his house with him. No matter how exhausted Travis felt, he’d always opt to spend time with Michael rather than sleep so they walked the 10-minutes it took to get from the fire station to Michael’s apartment block with their arms linked to avoid slipping on the icy path. They’d spent the entirety of the walk laughing and flirting like they always did but when they reached the apartment block and Michael grabbed Travis’ face and joined their lips, Travis was shocked. It was probably the most romantic kiss of his life and he could still remember the rush of warmth that coursed through his body as he and Michael continued to kiss despite the snow surrounding them, it was a the warmth rush of love.

Now, as he stood on the balcony with memories of their first kiss playing in his mind, Travis didn’t feel any warmth because when Michael died, he’d left Travis with this cold and empty feeling in his chest. He shook the thoughts from his mind, he couldn’t go getting mad at a dead man for leaving him. He quickly finished his drink and headed inside to get another one, feeling like he deserved it.

As he stood in his kitchen, pouring himself a generous glass of whiskey once again, he found himself glaring at the red casserole dish that sat on his counter top. It stood out in great contrast to the black and grey appliances that surrounded it, it had belonged to Michael and Travis couldn’t help but remember how much he’d initially hated it. A year into dating, Michael and Travis decided to take the plunge and move in together, Travis was already spending the majority of his time at Michael’s apartment so it didn’t seem like that much of a big deal for them to get a place together, until it came to actually decorating said place. Travis liked the minimalist approach when it came to design and was definitely a fan of coordinating dark colors while Michael’s preference for design could only be described by Travis as chaotic. Michael liked bright colors and statement pieces and it had almost been the downfall of their relationship. They’d somehow managed to comprise and create a home in the small one-bedroom apartment they were renting. The unpacking process had been long and frustrating so when they’d reached the last box in the kitchen, Travis couldn’t understand why his boyfriend was so delighted to see such a bright casserole dish that didn’t match any of their other dishes. Apparently the obnoxiously bright red casserole dish had belonged to his parents and had been the centerpiece of their family dinners for years, they’d gifted it to Michael as soon as he told them that he and Travis were moving in together and while Michael thought it was a kind gesture, Travis suspected that they were just eager to get rid of it.

Despite his hatred of it, the red casserole dish had been the centerpiece of all of his and Michael’s dinner parties, mainly because Michael was usually the one who cooked and served the food but also because Travis loved seeing the small smile that Michael tried to hide every time Travis used it to serve food to whatever friends they had over because to him, it was a symbol of a family, a symbol of what was and could be between them. Now, to Travis, the stupid dish stood as a symbol of what could’ve been, he hadn’t used it to cook since before Michael’s passing because the dish was too large when he was now only cooking for one and he’d stopped having dinner parties. He used to love nothing more than having company over to his and Michael’s apartment but now the idea of hosting guests without Michael by his side sounded like the least appealing idea in the world. He knew Michael would’ve liked the crew in Station 19, he would bonded with Vic the same way Travis had, talked sports with Dean and loved being in on the drama that seemed to follow Andy, Maya and Jack and anyone who seemed to get romantically involved with any of them so that’s why he loved cooking Michael’s recipes for the team, not just because Michael had been such an amazing cook but because if he was still alive, he’d be serving those same recipes in the red casserole dish to them with a large smile on his face.

After finishing his second drink, Travis placed the glass into the sink deciding that he’d take care of the mounting dishes the next morning, as he passed by his bathroom spotting his overflowing laundry hamper he added that to the list of chores he’d take care of in the morning. The hamper contained mostly workout clothes, but his uniform shirts laid on top, demanding attention. Despite the fact that his shirts were well protected from the fire thanks to his fire gear at scenes, they somehow always carried the faintest smell of smoke – even having they were freshly washed. Travis had struggled to get used to the constant smell of smoke on his clothes but now his mind reminded him of Michael every time he smelt it on his shirts. More often than not the smell would remind Travis of how much Michael loved his job, Michael had once confided in Travis as they laid in the dark one night shortly after their wedding that he really couldn’t imagine himself doing anything else. They had been looking at their lives now that they were a married couple and entertaining the possibility of kids, it was something they both wanted but wondered if it was fair to children to have two parents who risked their lives every time they went to work. It was an issue now, Travis thought bitterly because Michael was dead and he couldn’t imagine, no he didn’t want to imagine starting a family with anyone else. 

Other times, his mind would betray him and the faint smell of smoke that his clothes always seemed to possess would instead remind Travis of how his husband had died, remind him of how peaceful the man had looked when he said his goodbyes and how angry he’d felt at the world. The months after Michael died had been the worst of his life, he’d always had a rocky relationship with his own parents and Michael had always been the buffer, the one to calm them all down, once he was gone, Travis saw no point in trying to maintain any air of peace with his parents and ended up taking all his anger out on his own father who he still no longer spoke to in one dramatic and final argument. 

As he entered his bedroom, he grabbed the bottle of cologne that laid on his dressing table and sprayed his pillows, the cologne had been Michael’s signature scent, a mix of sandalwood and vanilla that he was loyal to for as long as Travis had known him. It was quiet an expensive cologne so Michael had always used it sparingly but since he’d died, Travis had made sure there was a bottle on the dresser, on rough nights he’d spray some on his pillows and inhale Michael’s familiar scent to bring him comfort. Michael had always provided Travis with comfort, not only was he a constant in Travis’ life and someone who showed more emotional strength that Travis had ever thought possible, but he showed Travis how to care for himself. It wasn’t like Travis was some feral creature before Michael had entered his life, he just wasn’t looking after himself the way he should have been. When they were just friends Michael had somehow talked Travis into buying a new mattress after hearing Travis complain one too many times about how little sleep he got and after they finally found the best mattress for him, Travis didn’t have another restless night unless he was sleeping on the uncomfortable station beds, when they finally started dating, Travis found himself exercising even more often as Michael’s idea of a chill morning including a run around the park and when they finally moved in together not only was Travis eating better thanks to Michael’s cooking, dressing better as he kept stealing pieces from Michael’s closet but he also developed a skincare routine after Michael forced him to partake in his morning and nightly rituals. 

Being with Michael made Travis a better person in so many ways and after his death, Travis had struggled to keep looking after himself in these ways but knew it would be unfair to Michael’s memory to undo all his hard work of transforming Travis into someone who could appreciate the importance of self-care. Travis had been in such a bad place after losing Michael that he began going to therapy every week, Michael had been in therapy and was a big believer in looking after both his mind and body, Travis knew it would make his husband happy to see him reaching out when he felt like he was drowning but now as he carried out his nightly routine feeling both sad and exhausted, Travis couldn’t help but realize that was exactly what was happening.

He was drowning in his own feelings of grief because grief wasn’t something that just disappeared because you were open to dating new people or felt okay enough with your new reality to stop going to therapy. His grief over Michael would always be apart of him, the pain of losing the man he loved was a complicated thing that he’d always live with and he couldn’t let it consume him wholly, not again. He was drowning as the little pieces of Michael that were still in the world pierced his heart and reminded him of everything that he’d lost

He quickly found his phone and dialed Vic’s number, hoping that she was still awake. Michael would be disappointed to see Travis trying to bottle up his emotions and he’d also be pretty pissed off, Travis’ unwillingness to express how he felt when he was sad or angry had been the root of many of their arguments and now Travis felt stupid for how much time he’d spent arguing with his husband instead of telling him how much he loved and valued him. He shook those regretful memories from his mind as Vic spoke “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“I miss Michael”

He hadn’t said those words out loud in so long and as they left his mouth, he could hear himself beginning to cry. He’d been hiding how awful he’d been feeling for the past couple of weeks because he was worried that nobody would understand but as Vic left out a soft breath, he knew that she did.

“I’ll be right over”

**Author's Note:**

> Come talk to me and check out the other things I've written on Tumblr @Herrera-n-Hayes


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